God grant me the serenity…

I know I have been an absent blogger. But I have had good reason. Every time I sat down to blog, my mind would fill with what happened… and then I’d realize I am not ready. But I think that if I don’t get it down, I may forget. And it really is a great story…

So I feel enough time has passed that I can tell this story:

******DISCLAIMER: This may be too graphic for some…. if so, just click the X box in the top right corner….*****

Kevin and I have been trying to have a baby since last June. Once football season was over, and we weren’t just ships passing in the night, we started really trying. Reading books and taking temperatures… the whole nine yards. Two of my pregnant friends, fellow coach’s wives, told me about this book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility. IT’S Amazing and after just a month of having it in my hands, I was pregnant.

On December 20th, I started having blood clots. I was so scared. I thought that I was having a miscarriage. I thought, well that’s just great. I was pregnant and now I am not anymore and I didn’t even get to know. I called my doctor and they said it didn’t sound like a miscarriage, that it sounded like my egg implanting on my uterine wall… They said to wait till I missed my period and take a pregnancy test.

Well, who could wait? I mean seriously… my period was 2 weeks away!!! So, I waited until December 23rd. I couldn’t wait any longer! I set a cup out the night before so I could wake up and take the test. Well, Kev’s stirring woke me up at 6am so I went to our bathroom, closed the door and took the test. I read and re-read the directions like it was the first time I had ever taken a pregnancy test.

Wait two minutes… I didn’t expect it to say positive as my period was SO far off and I thought it was WAY too early… But it did. A nice Plus sign….

Now I have never seen this before. EVER! I didn’t think these home test even worked because all I’ve ever seen on them is negative. So, my first thought was, “huh, they do work.” Followed by, “I’m pregnant!!!!” I threw open the bathroom door and I excitedly said, “Kev! We are going to have a baby!” He sleepily said, “How do you know?” and I said, “I just took a test!” Holding the test up high. He was half asleep but he jammed his fist in the air in victory. :) We spent the rest of the morning in bed talking, both of us too excited to sleep. And about 8am he says to me, “Not that I am not excited, but couldn’t this have waited until later in the day?” :) It was a blissful perfect moment. The first time I told my husband I was pregnant.

So, I called my doctor scheduled a pregnancy test and went to lunch to meet my best friend. It was WAY too early to tell people and I still really didn’t believe it myself, but I told her at lunch anyway. She screamed and started crying. I love that girl. I tried to be excited, but I just couldn’t let myself. I knew so much could go wrong between now and the end. But I was happy. Jordan and Brad arrived that night and somehow Jordan just knew. She walked in the door and in complete Jordan style walked right up to me, with prenatal vitamins I’d been talking since June, and said, “You are pregnant, aren’t you?” I wanted to wait until Kevin got home so we could tell her and Brad together… but that didn’t work. Kevin did tell Brad and it was the cutest thing I have ever seen.

December 24th:

We went over to Kevin’s mom’s house for Christmas Eve dinner and we decided to tell our parents in a really cute way. Normally I would have waited but it was Christmas. We framed the picture of the pregnancy test in a frame that said “Grandchildren…” and something sweet about them, I don’t remember, and had Kevin’s mom open it as soon as we walked in. She also cried and wanted to tell the world. She was so excited I started to let myself get excited… just a little bit.

December 25th:

Christmas morning, we went to my parents house and gave them the same gift. They were so excited!  I never thought it would happen this easy.

We went to my grandparent’s house and it took all I had not to shout it from the roof tops!! I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY! I am really close with my family and I swear I almost blurted it out atleast 3 times. Kevin was so attentive and I was so blissful. We kept it in because it was so new. I told my cousin Ember, but she knew about the blood clotting so it was only fair. She cried too.

More family gatherings that evening  and it was so difficult to keep my mouth shut. But I did…

December 26th:

took another pregnancy test, still pregnant. Although it is slightly less noticeable, but I took it later in the day.

Dec. 27th:

I go for my pregnancy test at the doctor’s office. They confirm that I am pregnant… the line is very faint so they think I am very early… maybe 4 weeks. My due date is Sept. 11th. :) I am beaming.

December 28th:

I start spotting. Very light. My doctor tells me to just rest. Take it easy. He says 50% of women who have a baby spotted in their first trimester. Ok. I relax, think positive thoughts and the spotting stops.

Dec. 29th

more spotting

Dec. 31st

bleeding and pain.

Jan. 1st

bleeding.

Jan 3rd

take a blood pregnancy test at the doctor’s office….

Jan. 4th

get the phone call that I am not pregnant. Seems my period came as washed it away.

I have learned that it wasn’t meant to be. I have learned that something must have been wrong with the baby or it wouldn’t have been healthy for me… or….

No matter what, come Sept. 11, 2o11…. I will be really sad. And not just in remembrance of 9-11… :) But I can see the good side. I thought it was going to be impossible for me to get pregnant. I thought it was going to take all sorts of tests and shots and doctors. But it didn’t. Kev and I were able to get pregnant. Now we just need to focus on carrying that baby to term. Gosh it is a helpless feeling though. I feeling of not being in control and I hate that.

My heart goes out to the women who have to carry their babies SO much longer than I did just to lose them. I can’t imagine. For me, if it had to happen, at least I got to know. At least for 2 weeks of my life, if it never happens again, I got to be pregnant.

So, that’s my story. I am glad to get it all down. I never want to forget the look of joy on Kevin’s face when I told him. Or how the hugs felt from my family and friends. Even though it was short, it was a great time. I really hope that it happens again… for 9 long and glorious months!!!!